Extracts from Chilcot Report (spoof but no jokes)

Hi Tony my old mate how ya doin'? Listen I have a bit of a problem after 9/11. My 'people' want me to take some sort of action in response to the twin towers thing.

'I'm not surprised George, it was awful, how can I help?'

Well the thing is we need to find an enemy that we can defeat in a spectacular way as retribution for this terrible atrocity. It's a revenge thing obviously but it needs to look like we're targeting the bad guys, even if we're not quite sure who they are. What do you think?

'Well George I feel your pain and I can assure you that we'll do everything we can to help. Do you have any targets in mind?'

Well obviously this has come out of the Middle East, my experts are saying it's a Saudi thing, this Al Quada stuff, but we need their oil and they have lots of our modern weapons to use against us. They'll be difficult to hit. We thought some other unpopular regime in that God-forsaken part of the world might do just as well? We thought Iraq: Saddam's not very popular is he?

'No he isn't but didn't we put him in place in 1979 to try to rule the unruly in our interests? He's been brutal but he's kept control and who knows where we'd be without him?'

It's him or me Tony - my Dad said so. He's got to go. And then we thought maybe Afghanistan? We think Osama's up there somewhere...

'Ah Afghanistan: Are you sure George? We tried to impose ourselves in Afghanistan in 1919 but failed - they really are ungovernable. Just bloodthirsty tribes with nothing to lose. And the Ruskies couldn't beat them. Can you?'

We think so, Lockheed Martin tell me we can beat anyone, but even if we can't we can get to the stage where I can have my 'mission accomplished' banner on an aircraft carrier and that's all that matters really isn't it? We can walk away then and leave them to it.

'You do realise that unseating our erstwhile ally Saddam will result in chaos in the Middle East?'

Chaos schmaos. I need some action and I need your help. The question is, Tony boy, can you deliver? Will you back us up? Do you have the authority to do it?

'George I can do whatever I want in the UK. I am the authority in the UK. I don't need parliament to make the big decisions. I'm 'it'. If I say it will happen, it will happen.'

That's good to know Tony, mate, so we're going in as soon as we can. Can we count on you?

'Of course you can George - I'll just need a bit of time to get everyone on side. The opposition won't have access to the facts so they won't be a problem, they have to go along with what the government of the day says, it's a British thing. I'll have to make up some 'facts' about why we're attacking Saddam when the real enemy - Bin Laden - is in Saudi or more likely Pakistan, but I can do that.'

Will the British people be onside Tony?

'Well they might not be, they might march against it (almost 3 million people did), but they're irrelevant. We'll tell them that Saddam has weapons of mass destruction readily available. That he can strike mainland Europe in a very short time. I'll tell them that 'someone has to take tough decisions - that always works. My mate Alistair can arrange that - he'll just love the chance to  intimidate the BBC into line anyway. We'll have to make a show of putting some 'experts' into the Middle East to prove that he has weapons of mass destruction, but that won't be a problem. Hell he probably does have them anyway - which would be helpful. But we will have to ditch our experts eventually.'

Tony this is much bigger than them. Do what you have to do. Make it happen my friend, we're relying on you. It'll be much easier for me to get the American public on-side if you help me to make the case for action.

'OK, not a problem George....'

And later...

'George, hello, Hans Blix will have to be discredited, we have a Doctor Kelly looking at things but we have stuff on him so he won't be a problem, or if he is - well you don't need to know that stuff.'

Let's do this Tony. We'll go down in history.

'Indeed we will George. By the way, what is our 'exit' strategy? What does success look like? How do we leave the world in better shape than it is now? We don't really want to create an unsolvable  problem for our future now do we?'

Just deliver the tomahawks and troops on the ground Tony. Let us worry about what comes later. There's a good boy.

Still looking over the Chilcot report....

And there you have it, almost word-for-word. ;)

Thanks for reading.