UKIP fruitcake test - a response

Here's a UKIP 'fruitcake' test in the Guardian. And my equally light-hearted response. Probably best if you read the Graun piece first otherwise you might think my responses are a bit extreme. Not much offense intended. But some obviously.

1. which is most likely to make you cry

0  Treading on an upturned plug
0  The death of a dog in The Archers
0  Stupid fucking pseudo surveys in the Grauniad

2. In your view, which of these best describes the ideal circumstances for a child to grow up in?

0  Any stable and loving relationship
0  A family that has more benefit money to spend on fags and special brew the more children it has
0  A family in which one or both parents work

3. Which measures would you prefer to use to limit immigration?

0  None, immigrants are more likely to vote for Labour
0  A controlled system where qualifications including relevant and needed skills, the ability to speak English and an agreement to adopt our laws and beliefs rather than relying on the state for hand-outs prevails
0  None, build mosques and Islam-only schools, allow non-British communities to be formed and local indigenous people to be excluded from parts of the UK including parts of our capital city.

4. If you had to lead Britain into war with any country which one of these would you choose?

0  Syria as part of a misguided UN initiative which would see the global community supporting Al Qaeda-backed rebels who use chemical weapons and commit atrocities including wiping out entire Christian villages.
0  Iran to remove the growing threat of nuclear proliferation amongst people who believe that this life is unimportant in comparison with the afterlife promised in the Qu'ran.
0  Spain, over Gibraltar

5. What do you think is most likely to be the cause of climate change?

0  The need for scientists to secure international funding
0  The desire of governments to be able to levy higher taxes on individuals
0  The desire to try to establish a single global government

6.  Which statement best describes your attitude to maternity leave?

0  Both parents should be paid in full to take time off after they have had a child. As long as they like. This facility should also be extended to people who adopt children. A child should enable them to take the rest of their lives off and the small business for whom they previously worked should be forced to make their salary payments forever.
0  Parents should be able to take a few weeks (mother) off work and have the position held open for her. The father should be able to take a week off but then go back to work. If that is not acceptable, they should not have a fucking kid in the first place.
0  Every child should be guaranteed three A* grades at A' level regardless of their IQ

7. Which of these comes closest to your opinion on the role of the British state?

0  Raise taxes fairly and reduce taxes for the lowest earners
0  Pay public sector employees to do non-jobs like diversity coordinator and waste around 50% of their budgets on non-essential crap as well as giving themselves above-inflation pay rises for years even when the rest of the economy is struggling
0  Create a system in which there is one CCTV camera for every 11 people in the country and give peerages to anyone who donates more than a small amount to a political party - except UKIP of course.

8.  Which of these policies would you prefer to see applied to gay marriage?

0  A government that makes gay marriage legal by introducing and passing legislation rather than just talking about equality and gay rights
0  Religious groups who do not wish to conduct gay marriages should be allowed not to do so
0  Bullying activists for this and other issues including feminism should be quietly but firmly told to shut the fuck up unless they're prepared to listen to the desires and beliefs of other groups including the silent majority of people who are not in the least bit interested in their one-way street of fucking 'rights'.

9.  In general terms which description of the effects of British Empire comes closest to your view?

0  A mixed bag of historical actions that made the UK prosperous sometimes at the expense of other countries, but that was the prevailing practice at the time and should not be second-guessed hundreds of years later by some leftard writing for the Guardian
0  Introduction of democracy and concept of fairness to many parts of the world which has seen many countries develop peacefully and on the basis of equality rather than the anarchy that is currently wrecking many parts of the world
0  Something to be ashamed of like all good Guardian readers

10.  What relationship would you like to see between Britain and the EU?

0  Ever closer political and cultural union which is supposed to increase prosperity and mutual understanding but which actually ruins the lives of most young people in southern Europe and creates division amongst different peoples and will, ultimately see the whole of Europe as a single homogenised state with the same food music, culture and heritage throughout - or perhaps more likely, will see another European war.
0  Amicable trade at a safe distance - good grief a reasonable option in question 10!!
0  We should hand over all control to unelected Eurocrats based in Brussels and Strasbourg who obviously know what's best for us from where they are.

'Submit' as the Grauniad would obviously like us all to do; to increased state control and reduced freedom to the point where working and thinking for ourselves comes to be seen as ridiculous.